


Five Times Jensen Almost Met Tony Stark

by AcierGlace



Series: Requisition Form 616-EA [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Losers (2010)
Genre: M/M, definitely not canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-07 16:52:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15223541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcierGlace/pseuds/AcierGlace
Summary: (And the One Time He Regretted It)Jake Jensen has been a fan of Tony Stark for practically all his life. If he ever got a chance to meet the man, he'd tell him so. He just wished it hadn't been like this.He may never live this down.





	1. Chapter One

The Five Times Jake Jensen Almost Met Tony Stark (And the One Time He Regretted It)

 

1\. Hampshire Country School

 

Jake tested out of every public school in a 50 mile radius of any and every base his father was ever posted at. It wasn't a big deal until it was. 

Turns out, being bored in school for Jake resulted in too many disciplinary actions, suspensions, and expulsions, so much so that no school that wasn't being paid extra to handle him would handle him. It was just one of many arguments that their parents got into, no matter how much Jessica told him it wasn't his fault. She'd been the same, but the little private Catholic school they found for her was all girls and majorly focused on ambassadorial programs. 

She was good at bullshit and poker faces before Jake realized how important they were. 

His father was moved to Portsmouth, New Hampshire with his repair team, and his mother had ditched out on them somewhere between there and the Carolinas. 

She'd taken her suitcase, all of their petty cash, Jessica's jewelry, and all of Jake's hope with her. 

And after Jessica found her own school to go to, she bundles Jake up in the car, leaves a note for their father, and drives him two hours to Rindge. 

It's beautiful when they get there. There's so much wildlife and nowhere near the overwhelming number of kids he's seen elsewhere. There's a lake, stone houses, stone fences, and an actual farm. With real animals. 

It's pretty perfect. 

“Remember, we're here so they can meet you and learn about you, and how much you really want to be here, okay?” 

“Yeah,” he says, “But do you think they'll let me milk the cow? I really wanna milk the cow.” 

“Yeah, Jake, I think you'll get to milk the cow,” she says, and she punches him in the shoulder. “Best first impression, yes?” 

“Yes!” He grabs the handle and nearly falls out on his face, but he only hits his knees in the gravel. He's fine. It's not like there's a lot of people out, anyway, so no one saw that. “I'm fine!” 

“Master Anthony! We don't want to delay.” 

Jake slams the door and looks up at the car across from him. He barely sees red shoes disappear behind the door before the mirrored glass just leaves him looking at his own face. 

“Jake! Let's go!” 

He scrambles around the side of the car and nearly collides with a man in a suit headed to his own car. He looks way angrier than his own father ever did, even at Jake's worst. 

“Let's get the hell out of here, Jarvis. I can't fucking believe this place. What the hell was Maria thinking? They had him laboring like a field hand. A field hand. Like he's ever going to get close enough to livestock. What skills is that supposed to grow in a child. Honestly. Exeter doesn't have a goddamn farm.” 

“Exeter is also for grades 9 through 12.” 

“And he's tested to be ready for fucking college.” 

“I would advise-” 

“Let's get out of here. We can still make Exeter before end of day. Have someone get his shit there, too. No more delays with this, understand, Jarvis?” 

The man in the suit has shaking hands, like his father's do when he's been too long without a drink, and he smells like oil and smoke. 

Jessica's hand comes down hard on his shoulder, forcing him away from the car and the other people. The man in the suit flicks his eyes over them, dismissing them coldly and getting in his own car passed the other one. He drives off and Jake's glad to see him leave. 

The other car lingers behind before it too is gone down the drive. 

“Come on. Mrs. Patey is waiting for us.” 

 

 

2\. MIT – Graduation Services

 

The stupid cords around his neck are going to strangle him any second. 

He's moving around too much to be comfortable, and the two people seated on either side of him are probably minutes away from attempting to strangle him themselves. 

Everyone said Tony Stark was going to give a speech. 

It's supposed to be his first big appearance after the death of his parents. 

Not counting those sound bites they issued before the funerals. 

Tony Stark's going to change the world one day, and Jake's going to get to look at his young spawn and say he was there. 

That robot he made? With the claw? So much potential there's literally no ceiling on it. 

Jake's played in every Stark lab they've had on campus, but wherever they had Tony working wasn't on campus. Which is bullshit. They could have at least put up a little plaque or something, maybe added a pay to rent lab space and promised you got to touch the same tools Tony used to make that Rube-Goldburg machine that shut down half the campus. 

“He's not gonna show.” 

“He's gonna show. They had Stane here this morning. I saw him. If Stark wasn't here with him, they'd have announced it by now.” 

“He's not gonna show.” 

Jones turns out to be right. 

Tony Stark doesn't show. 

 

3\. Afghanistan

 

The Losers aren't important enough to be there for the Jericho display. Hell, they weren't important enough to be in the same country during the Jericho display. 

So. It wasn't ever a real chance to begin with. 

And months later, when it's just the Air Force being drug by the balls by Rhodes, it's still not feasible, cause Pooch is the only one with an in there. Not even Clay has an in there. 

Clay and Stark being in the same twenty mile radius would probably end in explosions. Clay's all about volatile women, but Jake's met Clay. The only reason he's dragging his heels about confronting his bisexuality is cause he only gets hot for volatile women and Roque. Hell, if it was between Jake's left hand and Roque for being the only options for ever orgasming again, he'd take his left hand. 

The man sleeps with a knife nestled right up on his junk. 

One too many late night close calls has seen to disclose this knowledge to the team. 

It's also saved them from drug lords and terrorists too homophobic to really get in there when doing a body search. 

He's distracting himself from the point, here, but just the thought of Clay even remotely getting hot for   
Stark makes his entire groin region want to retreat. 

Stark was his fantasy first; Clay can find his own mad genius.

“We're wheels up in half an hour. And you're not coming.” 

Pooch has been saying that in it's many time variations for the past three days, but Jake knows he can power through this one. 

“We have the best lead ever and you expect a broken pelvis will stop me?” 

“I'm expecting him to stop you,” Pooch says, pointing at where Cougar is laid out in the next bed over. Jensen's broken pelvis came by the same way of injury as Courgar's broken collarbone. Just the sight of Cougar washed out, sweaty, and with his eyes dilated from all the happy drugs is the complete antithesis from how he normally looks. There's no way he can leave just anyone looking after Cougar.

He also went into an serious panic attack when he'd woken up and Cougar was out of his line of sight. 

“As soon as he's actually conscious and mobile, you know there's nothing stopping us.” 

“True. But we'll also be half the country away and someone already called Jess.” Pooch grins at him. 

“I hope Clay and Roque spend the entire search subtly flirting.” Jake smiles back, just as mean. “And you'll have to deal with all of the horrible sexual tension.” 

Pooch blanches, but he still leaves, obviously resigned to his fate. 

Jake tracks them, because of course he does, and when they actually find Tony Stark, Jake's a little too happy to be angry at Pooch. 

Of course, Cougar's also rejoined him in the land of the miserably conscious and no longer happily drugged. 

That counts pretty high up in Jake's book. 

The covert picture Jake gets is mostly Rhodes aggressively mother-henning someone who fits the general description of Tony Stark, circa captured by terrorists for way too fucking long. 

He saves it, anyway, cause there's something intimate about how tightly the two men are holding each other, and Jake can't look too long without his throat catching. 

 

4\. Post-Battle of New York

 

When a portal opened up over Manhattan, Jess had been teaching at NYU. 

When a portal opened up over Manhattan, Beth had been in class at the Lorge School. 

When a portal opened up over Manhattan, Jake was half the world away, chasing stashes of Stark weapons with the Losers and didn't know about it until they were somewhere with a satellite signal. 

The first thing Jake did was call Jess. 

The second thing he did was watch footage of Iron Man flying a nuke through a space portal on repeat for 176 times. It didn't hit him until the 74th time that if Tony Stark never existed maybe there wouldn't be a portal in Manhattan, but there would have definitely have been a nuclear winter even if the portal had opened in Canada and the aliens had been politely turned away by the Mounties. 

If the people high up Jake's foodchain thought sending a nuclear missile into civilian American territory was an appropriate response, what the hell were they doing out here in the Middle East in the first place? Probably just wouldn't live long enough to suck out all of the oil and make money war profiteering if they also had to wait for radiation levels to drop. 

If they could write off one of the most densely populated places on the planet, were they really making the right call? 

It bit at Jake something fierce, and when the Losers were redirected from hunting down StarkTech to chasing alien tech, he welcomed it.

Except that anyone crazy enough to run alien tech was also crazy enough to use that alien tech without any foreknowledge of what it could do to the human body. One of those spear things they'd recovered was pulled out of a literal human body turned water balloon. 

It was disgusting. 

So, they do what they've always done and chase the source. 

“This could almost be a nice island vacation. You know, if it weren't for all the shooting, and running, and high probability of bodily dismemberment.” 

“Don't joke; this is our goddamn vacation,” Pooch shouts, their cover wall slowly exploding into chunks around them. 

“Ten points if you take out Hitler-stache up there!” Jensen bobs up, lays a line of cover fire and Pooch takes the chance to run to the next wall. 

A bullet finds its way into Hitler-stache's forehead, and the man falls to the ground just passed Pooch's wall. 

“Still in the lead!” Pooch doesn't even turn his head around the wall, blindly shooting in the alley space and he must hit at least one person. 

Someone certainly sounds like they've been shot. 

“Cougar's in the lead!” Jake protests, cause that's a slight if he's ever heard one. 

“Cougar isn't playing!” 

Jake parrots that back in as whiney a voice as he can. Of course Cougar's playing. Cougar always plays and cheats his way to the top, but he still always plays.

Someone somewhere finally had the bright idea to bring out the big guns, and they've obviously had more experience with the Chitauri weapons. Those spear things shoot like plasma bolts or something so the wall Jake's behind doesn't shatter so much as literally fall into tiny pieces. 

He dead drops himself immediately and just in time. 

Another plasma bolt shoots overhead before Cougar's able to take the gunner out. 

“How much longer are we going to play tag with these Nazi dicks?” 

“You're tech, Jensen. Maybe you should find out!” 

Jake crawls his way over to Pooch, peeking around Pooch's legs and his wall, but there's another stream of fresh Nazi Hydra grunts to shoot at them with Chitauri spears. 

This is turning into more of a headache than he'd prefer. 

Clay and Roque have been radio silent, deliberately radio silent not caused by foul play, but it's taking an awful long time for them to round up whatever cache these Nazi fucks have and blow this place up. 

Pooch and Cougar have him covered, so he draws out the satellite linkup and starts to scan for the trackers Roque and Clay have with them. It's not StarkTech, since the government only springs for HammerTech these days, which means it is slow as shit. Jake had not been consulted before they'd been booted on a plane and out of the country.

When it finally locks in on them, Pooch is trying to get his attention and drag them both to new cover. Hydra has almost destroyed the last of their wall and they're catching wise to the sniper they've got roosted just out of normal range on those Chitauri spears. 

Jake stuffs the satellite uplink back in his bag and climbs up to provide Pooch with some much needed assistance. 

Of course, that's when he sees the missile launcher they're dragging out. It looks like they've cannibalized some of Chitauri tech to make it all the more deadly. 

“Pooch. We are out of time.” 

Pooch is seeing what he's seeing, so there's no argument there. 

“Clay. We can't maintain this position any longer, so I hope to hell you're all done.” Pooch grabs Jake's vest and pulls. “We're bailing out for rendezvous B.” 

There's no acknowledging copy, but Jake hopes they're moving. 

Rendezvous B mostly involves them running like hell under Cougar's sharp-eyed guidance, shanghaiing a boat, and riding for international waters. 

Jake likes Rendezvous B because Rendezvous C means letting Hydra take one of them and work on an escape from the inside, while also trying to blow up the place for all future use. 

It's starting to look less and less like they'll make Rendezvous B, though. 

“They're firing.” 

Jake swears and so does Pooch half a second later. They both look around, but there's very little cover and they're still much too close. They left the Jeep buried in the jungle foliage about two miles away.

They don't stop running, but there's a slow dread creeping up on him. 

Jake's desperate prayers for intervention are answered with explosions. And not even the one he'd been dreading. 

“Misfire.” 

That's good news. What's bad news is that they're not spared the fall out. 

Jake remembers flying face first into a tree and hearing Pooch swear in the filthiest manner he's ever heard in his life. 

It's all black after that. 

He wakes up on a boat, and the distinct lack of German swearing means he's probably in friendly hands. He's in a cot below deck and he's alone. He'd be more worried but Cougar's rifle is leaning next to the cot, so he's definitely safe. Cougar wouldn't have left his rifle otherwise. 

He stumbles up the steps to the deck and has to shield his eyes from the bright glare of the sun. 

“Hey! Welcome back, Jay!” 

Pooch waves from the helm, and Jake stares at him. 

Scrawled on his cheek is a blocky design of the Iron Man helmet and a flourished signature for Tony Stark. 

What the shit. 

“Missed out on some wild shit.” Roque is leaning against the railing, and he's playing with a stiletto blade that Jake has never seen before in his life. 

What the shit. 

“About time. Ten more minutes and we'd have been worried.” Clay is laying on his back on the deck, and he gestures with a shiny silver flask that Jake has also never seen before in his life. 

What the shit. 

Cougar grabs the back of his neck, pulling him to face Cougar fully, and checks him over. He's probably trying to check the dilation of his eyes or something, but Jake gets too distracted by the Shield card sticking out of the band on his hat. 

“What the shit! You fuckers better not have met the goddamn Avengers and left me drooling on the jungle floor!” 

“We didn't meet the Avengers,” Pooch assures, “But Black Widow and Iron Man are totally badass.” 

“You bitches are all going to pay.” 

 

5\. Post-Max – Jake's New Job with Stark Industries

 

When they defeat Max, the team scatters to the four corners of the world. 

Not exactly true, but it feels that way. Clay vanishes into the unknown with Aisha, Roque and Cougar are both swallowed up by Shield, and Pooch stumbles his way into the bowels of Stark Industries Research and Development. 

That shit won't stand. 

There hadn't exactly been an opening in the Cyber Security team at Stark Industries, but when Jake refused to work for Shield, they'd been able to pull a few strings and get his file to Stark Industries. 

He'd be working just a few dozen floors below the New York Avengers base, also current home to Iron Man Tony Stark. There wasn't any question that he'd be accepting the job. 

He hadn't expected Cyber Security, had originally thought he'd be snared into designing code for all of the really interesting electronics Stark Industries released, but Cyber Security was way more exciting. Turns out, people from all over the world regularly tried to break into the Stark mainframes, some to steal blueprints and designs, some to steal money, some to steal security footage from within the building, and some just to fuck with Tony Stark. 

Jake had chased out what was probably a bunch of Hammer goons out of the first levels of defense when he'd noticed something a little odd about the system. 

It was like he was being cyber-stalked. 

Stark Industries was renowned for having the best security in the market. It trickled down to their commercially available products, which was why StarkTech was the best out there. Usually, anything behind the walls was only there because it was supposed to be. Remote access to the Tower systems was nearly impossible. Half the reason anyone trying to get in were caught was because there was an entirely different level of access depending on where the attempt was made. 

Supervillians had to break into the building to even make a play for the good stuff. 

So if Jake was being stalked, it was because someone also in the system was stalking him. 

He supremely doubts it was actually Tony Stark. Jake was good. Jake was very good at what he did. Like top ten in the world if he was being very generous to the rest of the world. Jake was good, but he wasn't doing anything he wasn't hired to be doing, so there was no reason a man as busy as Tony Stark would bother with him. So whoever was snooping on Jake was already in the system and stayed a step out of reach. 

He tries to track it down, but whoever they are lead him in circles and left him where he started. 

It was the only frustrating part of his job, to be honest. 

Of course, when he finally made contact, it wasn't in the way he expected it. 

 

TO: Jensen, Jake [Internal Security]   
FROM: JARVIS [Chief Information Security Officer] 

Subject: Security Engineering and Asset Security

 

Mr. Jensen, 

Based on previous performance within the system as well as previous work experience, I would like to request you move within Internal Security to Asset Security to take on the on-site Avenger databases. I strongly recommend that you join the Avengers DevOps team and coordinate with Shield. 

This offer includes all current Stark Industries employee benefits outlined within your hiring packet, as well as a new status as Head of Operational Security. 

Please read through the attached packet and respond within a timely manner. 

 

JARVIS [Chief Information Security Officer]

 

 

That's. 

That's the AI Jake hears about on the very, very hush hush employee-only briefings. JARVIS lives in the systems of Avengers Tower and Jake's probably the biggest idiot on staff for not making the connection. 

JARVIS took note of him, liked what he found, and highly recommended Jake move up to do bigger and better things. 

That's how Jake ends up meeting Virginia “Pepper” Potts, CEO of Stark Industries. Mostly by accident sure, since his new office is now just a few floors below her office. Which is only six floors below the Avenger Residence. 

She double takes at him when he's entering the elevator, and seems to recognize his name when he introduces himself. 

It's as close to Tony Stark as he's ever gonna get between being friendly with the man's AI and now on strangers who work together though in wildly different ways with his former girlfriend and current CEO, but that's a back-burner thought when Pepper Potts compliments him on the changes he introduced within Stark Industries. 

He stumbles out of the elevator to his own floor after briefly swallowing his tongue. 

She doesn't even laugh at him. She genuinely wishes him the best of luck, smiles like the benevolent-probably-an-actual-goddess-or-saint she is, and lets the doors close without letting him embarrass himself any further.

JARVIS sends him programming puzzles, like they're friends who solve fucking Sudoku puzzles in the break room or some shit, and Pepper (she fucking insisted and he was not going to disobey a single order that ever came from their Holy CEO), well, Pepper lets him trip over himself like a Labrador that's only half-grown and with no idea what gravity is.

Pepper compliments his initiative and creative problem-solving out of the blue one afternoon. She smiles like the Mona Lisa and says that Tony Stark is a big admirer. 

Admirer. 

Of Jake. 

Christ almighty. 

Tony Stark admires him.

He floats on that knowledge for like a week straight.

Even Pooch is impressed when Jensen drags him out of R&D to see the view from his swanky office. 

He has work friends. Friends who are friends of Tony Stark. It's like two degrees of separation and he is living it.


	2. Chapter Two

INTERLUDE

 

Jake... really likes sex. It probably all stems from how rarely he had any physical affection in his childhood, and having sex with someone was a really easy way to get to touch and lick and kiss and bite and fondle another human being without being inappropriate. Plus, it's really fun. He started kissing at thirteen and didn't really look back. 

He had to keep some things on the down low, such as the quarterback and then the wrestling team captain, and then all the men he met going off base. His father wouldn't have approved, despite Jake barely seeing the man until he vanished out of Jake's life when Jake turned 18. Jess wouldn't have cared, but he'd gotten into the habit of bragging up the beautiful nerdy girls who liked the angle of his dangle. 

Then when he enlisted, well, Don't Ask, Don't Tell. So there was that. 

And then when he was with the Losers, it was honestly something he'd forgotten about sharing. So he liked to suck dick. A dick wouldn't even be on the top 20 worst things they'd found out Jake had had in his mouth. 

Tiny bit of an oral fixation, maybe, but he's never had a complaint. 

It was sometime after joining the Losers and well before Bolivia that he realized how much he wanted to suck Cougar's dick. 

He'd had fantasies when he first joined the team about every one of them, though the Roque one he'd deleted out of his brain after their first mission together. The rest had slowly tapered off and other than the oddball fantasy threesome with Pooch and Jolene, it was pretty much the Cougar Fantasy Hour, all night, every night. 

Wanting to suck Cougar's dick didn't mean he couldn't also want to be the man's friend. Cougar was probably the best thing that ever happened to Jake. Cougar was literally all of Jake's dreams come to life. He was moody, often cold-hearted, had a black/white stance on some things Jake had a morally gray opinion of, was a goddamned morning person, and had the smelliest feet of any man Jake had ever met in his life. 

Cougar was perfect.

It wasn't like they were pining over each other or anything. It wasn't a secret that Cougar just had to stand in place for long enough and a woman would suddenly be there. Even that one terrifying time in Chile, when suddenly there was radio static on Cougar's end and they'd busted in to find Cougar and three of the enemy lady mercenaries reaching vigorous agreement. 

Truly a man's man if there ever was a pinnacle definition, but Cougar didn't let it get to his head. He was happy to set Jake up with any tiny nerdy woman who even glanced passed him, and despite several explicit and inexplicable offers, there had not been a Jake-Nerdy Girl-Cougar threesome. 

Post-Max, it turns out the only reason why there were never any threesomes was because Cougar couldn't keep objective about Jake. He was an all or nothing kinda guy. Jake learned that when Cougar kissed him, told him he loved him and that he was sorry, knocked him out, and took off into the Pacific with three of Max's Snukes and a ten percent chance he was going to live. 

When Jake came back to, Pooch was sitting on the beach next to him and they both watched as the sky detonated astronomically. 

If not for a passing Shield team, Cougar probably wouldn't still be here. 

So Cougar owed Shield, and Shield was always going to take advantage of that. They had very few people on roster that had half Cougar's aim or even a quarter of his fearlessness. Scary sniper and all around terrifyingly competent secret assassin, one who could have been their pick for the Avengers Initiative if not for the fact that Widow and Hawkeye both existed and Cougar had met Jake and never looked back. 

So Cougar owed Shield, and Jake felt it was only their due to milk them for all they were worth. 

Which made their hobbyist role play Captain America pay-per-view porn more authentic than anything else out on the market. 

So. 

To lay a little groundwork on that. 

When Jake had joined the Army, grew into his broad shoulders, and lost the Van Dyke he'd spent over half his life cultivating, it was suddenly super obvious that he looked freakishly like Captain America. Enough that he'd had several creepy conversations with former-General Ross, and then taken a DNA test that traced his roots to the same Irish Catholic family that Captain America came from. 

Clearly, some bloodlines were destined for greatness. 

The Captain America look really played well in gay clubs, too. Jake worked out solely to keep that perfect shoulder to waist ratio that no man could resist. 

So, armed with a deep love for sex, technology, and a face frighteningly similar to an American icon, Jake proceeded to order a replica costume, buy a better webcam, set up his own pay-per-view channel, and make oodles of money hand over fist. Literally. 

People payed so much money to watch him masturbate in the cowl and body armor.

He bought a copy of the Shield and nearly doubled his original profit ejaculating right over the pretty shiny star. 

It was stupid easy to always have a little nest egg for the new school Beth needed to go to, the expensive things Jess deserved to have, the guns that Cougar coveted like actual holy manna, the tech toys Jake salivated over. 

The better and more authentic Captain America costumes he could use to bring in even more money. 

After the Battle of New York and Captain America suddenly being back on the scene, Jake wearing the uniform with the cowl shoved back, uniform pants pushed to his knees, Shield somewhere under his dangling right hand, and thrusting into his slick left palm made for a very pretty picture. And every time Captain America would come on TV and do a press conference or just be caught on camera in action, Jake would see a spike in views. 

And then it became a challenge. Do something new. A lot of imitation Captain America porn had a very standard plot. Sure, people weren't watching Jake for his gripping plot, but for his literal gripping, but he felt he owed his fans something exciting.

So. 

Cougar had an in at Shield. Jake had an in at Stark Tower. Jake was friendly enough with JARVIS that his personal computer and cell phone were never under intense scrutiny. Jake looked like a modern Captain America. Cougar was so far gone in love with him and had zero shame about his body. 

Of course they were going to role play Captain America/Shield Agent secret love affair. 

Jake had been tempted for a secret Avengers love affair, and they could have maybe pulled something off as Hulk (not Hulk-Hulk obviously), Hawkeye, Thor, or hell, even Tony Stark. Cougar wasn't meant to be the one the camera focused on, so if they'd played a little dress up to look like an Avenger, it's not like anyone was going to be so detail-oriented to know how their dicks looked if there was Captain America's face to focus on instead. (Even with several Tony Stark Sex Tapes floating out on the web and that absolutely godly image of Thor full frontal during that one fiasco Avengers mission against Molecule Man). 

It was so easy too. Who honestly thought that the Silent Sniper and MotorMouth Jensen the Techie were the ones hijacking Shield uniforms and equipment as well as the specs for Captain America's previous and current uniforms, and then fucking their way through every supply closet on the Helicarrier, war room in the Triskelion, that one time in the hallway in the Fridge, and then that scary holding cell in the Raft.

Who?


	3. Chapter Three

6\. And the One Time He Regretted It

 

Answer: Tony Fucking Stark. 

Tony Fucking Stark watches Captain America porn. 

Goddamn everything to the deepest pits of Hell and let there please, please be an express hole there to swallow him right this fucking second.

Jake's muffled breathing and sloppy gagging echoes in high definition around the Shield Interrogation Room he sits in, with Cougar on his side of the table, a blushing and lockjawed Captain America sitting directly across from Jake, Director of Shield Nick Fury sitting at the head of the table, and Tony fucking Stark at the other end with the video “Debriefing” projected on the wall behind him. 

“I mean, you've been at this for how long and you still can't quite relax your throat? I'm sure you're going for accuracy, what with Cap here likely to have never taken a dick like that down his throat even once in his life, but this is fucking 12 videos down this rabbit hole. It's kinda sloppy writing, you know, if porn had narrative.” 

Captain America exhales hard through his nose, unfortunately just as Jake-on-screen does the exact same thing and then swallows down until Cougar's-dick-on-screen disappears into his throat. Jake meets his eyes for that half-second, and the man's so blank-faced there's nothing to get a read on. 

“Seems like he's learned just fine,” Fury says, “What I'm more concerned about is right now.” 

When Jake-on-screen pulls back, the camera moves back to follow him, and there are some very incriminating partial views of the Shield's-Eyes-Only paperwork Jake had left on the table when he'd pushed Cougar's chair back and slithered into the space between his legs. 

“Granted, I don't think much can be pulled off requisition forms, but that's our seal in the corner and eventually, you hit a point of outright infringement. Like now.” Fury gestures to the screen where Jake-on-screen bounces the tip of Cougar's dick with his tongue and says something he'd thought at the time to be both witty and pants-droppingly hot while also discussing how Cougar-on-screen was going to need a different form for heavy artillery. 

No one else seems to find it as hot as Jake-on-screen. 

“Yeah, I had no idea that Requisition Form 616-EA could get anyone hot under the collar, but there we are. In the land of freaks and degenerates like Hawkeye. Congrats boys.” Tony Stark flails a hand at the screen. “You have found the niche corner of the market I never even knew existed and I have seen AIM/Hydra porn.” 

Captain America twitches and his face loses some of the red. Jake's eyes are drawn to him immediately. 

“Did you-” 

“No Captain America/Red Skull or any Hydra variation there-of exists, Cap. I promise you that.” Tony Stark answers before Jake can get a chance to. 

“It didn't seem respectful to do that,” he agrees, a little hesitant about speaking up. It's intimidating as shit to be in the same room as three of the most terrifying men on the planet and he can only thank them for not allowing Widow in the room. He'd have blacked out in sheer self-preservation. “Plus, they're fucking Nazis.”

Jake-on-screen moans, pitched as best as Jake could from audio feeds taken out of the Avengers Mission Comms History and then practiced at home. 

“Right. That's what's disrespectful.” Tony Stark waves a hand and the video stops playing. 

It freezes on a very poor image of Jake-on-screen. He's got duck-face and one eye half-open. It's really not his best face.

“So. Is it still keelhauling if you're not actually on the ocean? I mean, we could probably find some nice international water to land in if you want to do this thing properly. Secret escort up to the Helicarrier, quick jaunt over the Atlantic, and off you go.” 

“We're not keelhauling anyone.” Director Fury points at the screen. “Least of all one of your people, Stark. We start throwing civilians overboard the Helicarrier and we'll lose our UN backing so fast he won't even have hit the water first.” 

“Well. I mean I can fire him, I guess,” Tony Stark starts. 

“No one's getting fired.” Captain America gestures to the screen. “Was this done with malicious intent? Did you knowingly and with deliberate intent try to destroy my credibility, besmirch my reputation, or otherwise engage in acts to discredit me to the public?” 

“No!” 

“Then I don't care. The only problem here is where you've been doing it.” 

What.

“What?” Tony Stark echoes. 

Or just says instead of Jake. He isn't sure he could speak if he tried. 

“If I'm going to start anywhere, I'd sooner start with all those Hollywood movies they made in the sixties. Sex isn't anything to be ashamed of, and I'm sure I've inked more offensive Tijuana bibles with Captain America.” 

“What?” Tony Stark sounds just as strangled as Jake would. 

“I... thought you knew. You knew about this kinda stuff, anyway, so I thought you'd have seen-” Captain America shrugs. “Maybe nobody figured they were worth keeping? I kinda hated all the circus performing they had me doing at the start, and well, some of the ladies brought in these comics and then we'd started making fun of it.” 

“You drew Captain America porn and I'm only discovering this now.” Tony Stark collapses into the chair he'd been standing beside, and Jake has a very surreal moment where they stare at each other in disbelief.

“So, honestly, the problem here is that you've been in Shield with your equipment.” Captain America looks over at Director Fury. “With Agent Alvarez, I'm assuming you have disciplinary measures in place, but Jensen is essentially a civilian. Firing him isn't an option, Tony. You can't fire people for what they do in their free time.” 

“I guess,” Tony Stark mutters, “Maybe we'll move you to scrubbing toilets.” 

“Tony.” 

“Fine,” Tony Stark huffs like a spoiled child, crossing his arms and slumping back against the chair. “This video comes down, though. Shield secrets blah-blah-blah. And you should be fined or something. I really feel like this deserves more than a slap on the wrist.” 

“Maybe if we promise not to do it again?” 

Tony Stark looks at Jake, really studies him before his eyes jump over to Captain America. His eyes move between the two of them and his face twists, appraising like Jake's something he's thinking of buying. It's flattering and weird, but mostly flattering and makes him feel squirmy.

“No.” Cougar speaks up next to him. 

Jake peeks over at him, but Cougar curls a hand over the back of his neck and he stops. Whatever Cougar's got to say then that's how it'll go. 

“We'll take down this one; refund the people who've paid already. We won't be in any more Shield facilities. I'll accept whatever Director Fury chooses as my punishment. Jake is not scrubbing toilets.” Cougar squeezes the back of his neck. “This one's mine.” 

Tony Stark startles and Captain America muffles a laugh. 

“If we're all caught up, gentlemen,” Director Fury says, “I believe Agent Alvarez and myself have an appointment. I'm assuming you can see yourself out, Mr. Jensen.” 

Cougar stands, hand still possessive on the back of Jake's neck. He stares hard at Tony Stark, gimlet like there's a snuke under the table and only seconds to figure out how to disarm it. 

“Captain. If you could.” 

“No problem Alvarez.” Captain America stands up and rounds the table to place himself between Jake and Tony Stark. 

“Thank you, sir,” Cougar says, “I'll see you later, Jensen.” 

“Yeah, bye, Cougs,” Jake says, leaning into the hand that trails through his hair and then gone. Director Fury leads Cougar out of the room, and there's going to be agent babysitting and cookie selling and playground duty and writing lines on the board and about fifty other dull, dumb, repetitive, and way-below-his-skillset tasks for Cougar to do. He does not envy Cougar.

“Well. I think I need a priest to cleanse the room. Make a note, Cap, Interrogation Room 4 is not to be used in the future for any Avengers related business. Knowing our luck, the walls will start to actually talk and then where will we be?” Tony Stark waves his hand again and the picture on the wall disappears. 

“I think that's not the worst thing this room has ever seen,” Captain America says, “And don't even try it, Tony. You heard the man. No.” 

“What? I'm hurt, Cap. Wasn't going to try anything at all,” Tony Stark says, but he's pulling back the hand that he'd been reaching out towards Jake. “Well, what are we waiting for?” 

“How about you lead and we'll follow?” Captain America rests a hand on Jake's shoulder and gestures to the door. 

Tony Stark rolls his eyes, pulls ruby red sunglasses out of his pocket, and struts out of the room, taking the full force of his personality with him. Jake lunges out of his seat to follow and only Captain America's tight hand on his shoulder keeps him from faceplanting into the table. 

“Slow down. I think we're all headed to the same place. Or at least near enough,” Captain America says, and there's a laugh in his voice. 

“Uh. Yeah. I'm going back to Stark Tower, anyway. And sorry. About all the porn.” Jake wants to stress this point since he didn't get a chance to earlier. “It wasn't about making you look bad or any shit like that. It's just- Know your skills, I guess, and use whatever you have to your advantage. And surprise, but I think our too-many-generations-back grandfathers were brothers or something, so uh, ever think of having a reunion or something, you can meet my sister and niece?”

He literally can't stop the words, there's no higher functions involved at all, but Captain America's in front of him, has a hand on his shoulder, and smiling that good-ole-boy smile that can make Generals blush. He's seen it. 

“That would be great.” Captain America pushes him just a little, and Jake falls into parade rest for half a minute before he realizes that the other man probably just wants to leave and forget about this whole mess. 

Jake feels the same way to be honest. 

“And it can kinda be like our secret, right? I mean, I never told Jess how I got the money, she just assumed that Stark Industries pays really well, which, I mean it totally does, but I think I made just as much as I do working a week when we made that video in the Stark Tower elevator.” 

“Really?” 

“Oh yeah. You've totally got to see that one. You know how shiny those doors are? Almost a fucking mirror. We put a spybug on the doors, Cougar got behind me, and he jerked me off. In uniform, you know, almost like this one, but no Avengers logo, and you can't really see him except for his kinda blurry profile and black gloves. We timed it, too. Ground floor to Avengers DevOps in one minute forty seconds.” 

“Not really something you'd want to brag about, to be honest.” 

“The time? No, we'd done a video before that one, and kinda lead into this one. Cougar'd been gone, right, but before he left, he kinda left me a little unfulfilled, you know, so of course I'm on a hair trigger. And we tried to imply that I'd just got back from a mission and was still all adrenaline-rushed.” 

“And JARVIS didn't have anything to say about defacing the elevator?” 

“He kinda likes me? I think. He likes my skills, and he says he's seen way worse in the elevator, anyway. Which. I can totally believe.” 

“Uh, excuse me?”

Jake twitches, realizes that Captain America has been guiding him like a child out of the Triskelion, and they're in the lobby right in front of Tony Stark. 

“JARVIS? What is this I'm hearing about my damn elevator?” He's clearly on some kinda comm, or maybe the glasses, he's heard rumors in R&D that they're trying to take GoogleGlass into feasible reality, not just a failed marketing scheme. “I don't think I like the judgment I'm hearing there, JARVIS.” 

“Have you got a link or something?” Captain America asks. He's got his phone in hand, and scrolling through pages with his thumb. “Nevermind. Here it is.” 

“I can't make you pay for it!” That's. That's not fair especially since Captain America's the one who talked them out of major trouble with Director Fury and Tony Stark.

“You won't get far handing out free samples,” Captain America starts. 

“If Cap doesn't have to pay, I shouldn't have to either!” Tony Stark objects. 

When Jake and Captain America turn to him, he falters. 

“Not that I'm paying to watch more. Definitely. Kinda weird to watch porn with your childhood hero in it, you know. That's why we just had this whole thing. Here.” 

“We had this thing here cause it involved Shield property. Whatever you do in your free time, Tony. Just as long as it doesn't affect your performance.” Captain America has that earnest Boy Scout look down pat. It's way more effective in person than on TV. 

“Could you teach that? Or did you wake up outta the ice a troll?” 

“I think we could exchange a few tips,” Captain America says. 

Tony Stark makes a sound Jake has never personally heard before in his life, but dying-whale-noise is probably on the internet somewhere to compare it to. 

“I'm sorry for everything I've done right to this moment here. God. Never again will another pop culture reference cross my lips. Never again will I make up blatant lies about how this century works. Never again will I try to crowdfund an effort to move the Dodgers back to Brooklyn with your image. I hope you are making a note of the time and date, Cap, because I am done. I am truly sorry.” Tony Stark pinches the bridge of his nose, red glasses still hiding his eyes but not his blush pink ears. “Please don't make this a thing.” 

“I think that's outta my hands now, Tony. Since you had to get everyone's personal opinion.” 

Jake pales, smile fixing in place and all of his blood relocated to his now suddenly bottomless stomach. It's like dissociating, except not, except kinda like it a little. 

“Please tell me the Avengers didn't watch me give blowies as Captain America.” 

“Shouldn't have been that convincing in the suit,” Captain America says, patting his shoulder. “Everyone has been very impressed.” 

“Fuck.” Jake swallows, eyes darting to Tony Stark and away again. He cannot look at the man. “Did. Did you really show the Avengers Captain America porn?” 

Now that he thinks about it, Pepper probably has seen it. God, that's probably what she meant by creative problem-solving. 

He can't show his face in the office without thinking she knows what his o-face looks like. 

“Oh goddamn it.” Tony Stark's fingers dance over his watch, calling up the armor in a wave of beautiful liquid nanotech. “Done. Steve, if we're leaving, let's go. Porn-Cap can take a goddamn taxi.”

“That name is not sticking!” Jake says, hustling after Iron Man. He's never been this close to the armor ever in his life and it's beautiful. He's never been particularly kinky, but they definitely need to figure out how to make a fake armor and get Cougar in it. Tony Stark could probably control how much of the armor came out, too, so he could be in full armor and maybe disengage the crotch sheilding, just enough for Cap to find an alley after a battle, push him against it, order the armor off just enough for him to watch their backs while he got on his knees- 

“I can actually see the thoughts in you head right now.” Iron Man's mechanized voice comes out of the faceplate. “Your guy said no go, so that's a no go on my end, too.” 

“I've fantasized about sucking your dick off an on since about seventeen.” Jake clamps a hand over his mouth, blood rushing to his face. “I'm so sorry.” 

Iron Man's faceplate is impersonal, but he tips his head to the side just a little.

“Tell you what. You work on your guy, I work on mine, maybe you get something that'll break the internet?” Iron Man leans in just close enough that Jake can smell metal and heat and coconut. “Think about it.” 

“This is exactly the kinda funny business we said no about,” Captain America says, between them again. 

Jake steps back, half-hard and completely lost. 

Captain America steps closer to Iron Man. Or actually on Iron Man. It's the Hug and Fly maneuver he's seen on TV and heard over the Comms history. 

“Let's go home, Avenger,” Captain America says. 

Iron Man secures him and they fly off. 

Jake's text notification pings a second later. 

Capsicle is now a new Platinum subscriber.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an attempt to write one "Event" from two perspectives. This is a two story "story" with Jake Jensen and Tony Stark as our POV characters. Because of that, they do not necessarily happen at the same time, but they do overlap. If any point is confusing, let me know and I can straighten out the timeline. 
> 
> This is not canon compliant for The Losers or The Avengers.
> 
> You will need to read both to have full perspective of the story. Jake's POV is posted first because it's the smaller of the two and what sparked the idea in the first place. I was only going to write Jake's and then Tony's reaction just needed explored. 
> 
> There are 3 chapters for each story. 1 - the "5" chapters, 2 - Interlude (backstory/reflections), 3 - the "6" chapter (the "Event")


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